If I knew what you’d do, exactly when you knew what you’d do, then I’d either be you or I’d be God. And we both know I’m not you.

“Keep your wife happy by living in a slightly nicer house than your neighbor. An…”

“Bricks could be used as breast implants. Lady Squaretits is really particular a…”

“I train for the winning moments, hoping all those seconds off the clock will le…”

“I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me…”