If I were among midgets I didn’t know, I’d be afraid they’d see I was uncomfortable making small talk.

“I don't know what love is, but I know what love isn't. Love isn't a peanut butt…”

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're p…”

“A picture with one word on it is like a thousand-and-one-word piece of literatu…”

“Were you aware that my sister looks like my brother? They both look nonexistent.”