If my name were Mark Twain, I’d write under the pseudonym “Samuel Clemens.

“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how…”

“Love is like a free lunch. You won’t find any in this life, because I had yours…”

“My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated gran…”

“I’m running late. But that’s OK, because I’m wearing Nikes.”