I’ll only blow my nose into green handkerchiefs. Why? Because all my brown hankies are reserved for wiping my ass.

“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how…”

“The mountains are where God proves He’s better than Michelangelo at sculpting.”

“Nothing says I forgive you like a punch in the face.”

“A brick could be used to crush grapes. If that sounds unnecessarily cruel, then…”