I’m a thief. What can I say, I’ve got sticky fingers. I robbed a sperm bank. But I did it for the people.

“Kids should be cute, caring, cuddly, and above all, quiet.”

“I had a dream about you. You were a lone candle on a barren vanilla cake, and I…”

“My favorite unit of time is the hour, because I collect them and store as many …”

“I don’t need a napkin. That’s what pants are for.”