I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.

“I have so many pet peeves that I can’t even pet them all. And damn I wish they …”

“I just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.”

“I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a …”

“Over 90% of my do-nothing attitude can be attributed to one thing—nothing. So c…”