I’m one washing machine away from throwing in the towel. But I’m not a quitter. I’m also out of laundry detergent.

“Some men might buy their wives stoves for their birthdays. But I’m not that sex…”

“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal…”

“I’m looking for a full-time portable heat generator. Must be willing to travel.…”

“I didn’t fire my gun. I gave it a promotion.”