I’m so constipated that every time I go to shit, the only thing that comes out is political rhetoric.

“The only thing I have left to remember her by is the scent of her perfume. I ju…”

“I wired my gas pedal to my stereo, so now when I crank up the volume the car ac…”

“We talked for four hours. Well, I talked for four, and she listened for two.
”

“Grandpa had a good life, up until the day we slaughtered him and ate him. Hones…”