I’m strapped for cash, and I’m also strapped to a chair in someone’s basement.

“I work in a hotel. I know what you’re probably thinking, and no, I am not a hoo…”

“But if she could be here, she probably wouldn’t be here. But that won’t stop me…”

“When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousne…”

“I didn’t shave my mustache off. Instead what I did was taped Elton John’s assho…”