I'm the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sixteen hours.

“I stabbed the intruder with a knife. How else was I supposed to cut him into bi…”

“Have I ever been in love? Have your ears ever itched from inside your urethra?”

“A brick could be used to help the needy. Giving a brick as a gift is a symbol s…”

“The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes …”