In politics, I don’t know which came first, the rubber chicken policies, or the eggheadedness.

“I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.”

“I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without …”

“I didn’t call her, but the phone works two ways. So does my love.”

“Drought is the best thing that ever happened to my lawn. And my beard.”