It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I found out I was abandoned as a baby, so they weren’t my real parents anyway.

“I’d like to play a game of Marco Polo—in the 13th century.”

“When I jog it’s like a dancing dog. Well, it’s more of a foxtrot.”

“I was so offended I wanted to light his face on fire. But I restrained myself, …”

“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the tim…”