I’ve got an up-to-the-minute block of 60 seconds. It’s on the kitchen counter thawing out at this very moment.

“I’m not a bicycle. Don’t try to ride me and leave me in the garage. I’m a tread…”

“I told her “Have a good weekend.” Then I thought, “Idiot. It’s Sunday night.”

“If I had a wooden leg I could sit on three-legged chairs no problem.”

“If I ever get a 20-dollar bill, I like to convert it into 20 singles, because w…”