Last night as I was driving home, I ran over a guy in a wheelchair. But it’s OK—he was already paralyzed.

“I didn’t have enough money to tip the waitress, so I offered to take her out on…”

“I don’t like writers whose writing is so obvious that I can predict what he’ll …”

“Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanill…”

“In a depression, attendance to sporting events goes down, while the percentage …”