Learning how to love is like learning how to tie your shoes, and that’s precisely why I wear slippers.

“Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.”

“I’ll name my town “Unwelcome,” and the sign will say, “Welcome to Unwelcome.”

“My nose is so big it’s like a mountain ridge on my face. Ladies, you could Mt. …”

“If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. B…”