Love is like learning to ride a midget, which I’ve never done because I’m afraid of heights.

“I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business…”

“A blanket could be used to feed the homeless. I mean warm the coldless. I mean …”

“The first man to successfully clone himself deserves to pat himself on the back…”

“You know what really chokes me up? Being strangled.”