Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.

“We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, bu…”

“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than…”

“A brick could be used to wipe your ass with. You know, if you already live some…”

“If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that…”