Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gold medals, which is an all the time thing for me.

“Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the …”

“I get the impression that people who wear too much cologne are hiding something…”

“My favorite snack is vagina. The only thing I hate is unwrapping all that saran…”

“The profit was five, split evenly between the two of us, which meant that my fa…”