Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.

“I’m not descended from anybody. All my ancestors are ascending from me.”

“I get along with everybody. You know this because everybody is a jerk, yet when…”

“If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?”

“Make yourself interesting to history. Master some aspect of life, and then find…”