My asshole smells like a paper mill. Three cheers for being a writer.

“I drew a portrait of an invisible man on a nice canvas, because that's all you …”

“There is nothing more romantic than candles and flowers, except candles that sm…”

“I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole …”

“Tickets are 40 bucks at the window, and 190 bucks if you actually go through th…”