My bed is better than all the rest. That’s why I just stand there staring at it, rather than actually laying down and getting some rest.

“I’m underwater on my mortgage, and I have a flooded movie theater for rent. Scu…”

“2001 was a great year. It was the first year I declared myself the “Man of the …”

“My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherev…”

“If my nipples lactated mustard, I’d wear a bra made out of two hamburger buns.”