My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an albino.

“A brick could be used as a basketball. And when you miss a shot, you can always…”

“Do onto others what others won’t do for themselves. If they won’t save their mo…”

“The couch was wide enough for two, but I sat in it alone. Was I obese in body—o…”

“Get off the scale, and get out of my weigh.”