My ex was the shape of a planet, and when she wore a belt, that planet was Saturn.

“It’s true, I almost hit him. And I would have too, if at the last moment he did…”

“The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m …”

“I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.”

“Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut he…”