My father went AWOL the day I got dishonorably discharged from his penis.


“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I…”

“There’s not a lot of food on the moon. Not unless you’re into cannibalism.”

“A brick could be used as a paperweight, for people whose writing isn’t as dense…”

“I’m the kind of guy who turns my fan on in winter, only to then go and add anot…”