My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

“I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it…”

“Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing …”

“A blanket could be used to cover Mt. Rushmore. But if you rush more, you’re goi…”

“At the gun range I can’t hit the paper bull’s eye, no matter how carefully I ai…”