My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.

“I traded in my car with no gas in the tank and my new car came with a full tank…”

“I brought a fruit basket. Instead of wicker, it’s made of fruit. Specifically, …”

“Today I found yet more evidence that I’m a lunatic. The proof came in a package…”

“Sorry I’m late. Traffic was nonexistent.”