Normally I charge 60 cents on the dollar for stolen merchandise. But since it was my mother-in-law, and I stole it from her, I only charged her 50 cents on the dollar. That’s love.

“Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with ot…”

“He had a last name for a first name, a first name for a last name, and an erect…”

“A flower blooms in my heart. You may call that love, but I call it water conser…”

“Nobody likes a dick. Except a pussy. Or an asshole. Or a goat’s mouth.”