One of the side effects of Viagra is blurred vision. Sounds great! When I’m taking a pill to pop a stiffy, how great is it that any woman I look at has blurred features and therefore is as beautiful as an impressionistic painting?


“When I was two, a year was half of my life. It must have felt like forever. But…”

“I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up…”

“I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.”

“The basketball team was trailing by three points. I trail by four points—north,…”