One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather, I’m sure he would have taught me that if he had the chance. (He drowned when he was a little boy.)

“My trash can got stolen five times. Finally the owner just let me have it.
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“Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sin…”

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

“A brick could be used as a boat, and due to the brick’s reputation of indestruc…”