Roses may say “I love you,” but the cactus says “Fuck off.

“I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I …”

“A brick and a blanket walk into a bar. And I don’t drink, so I wasn’t around to…”

“I’m very proud of my body of work. You should see it naked sometime.”

“Are you smarter than my brain in a jar? Have a pickle while you ponder it.”