She said “I love you,” and I said the only thing I could say: “How about every other Tuesday?

“I put the lover in clover. Especially if there are four leaves.”

“I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a heart…”

“Being vulgar to be funny is a crutch, and I prefer wheelchairs.”

“I once got stabbed with a lightning bolt. True story. (No it isn’t).”