Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my pants and legs if a direct hit occurs. I'm sure glad I am only pretending though, because it wouldn't be fun to lose both my legs every day.

“I am the earthquake of love. How you feel is my fault.”

“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a bea…”

“I want to be an actor. I’ve already started taking steps. Yesterday I applied t…”

“I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why…”