Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.

“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to a…”

“My future, it almost looks like Christmas—red and green—stop and go.”

“A zebra is the piano of the animal kingdom. And I am the flute at the nudist co…”

“If love were a color, it'd be orange. Not because that's a romantic color, but …”