Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks? The plastic surgeon’s office, that’s where.

“Death—I’m a nonmember for life.”

“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is co…”

“My bedroom is a bit small for my taste. For my taste, I prefer the kitchen.”

“Two days from now I invented a time travel machine out of my neighbor’s washing…”