The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.

“I’m covered in fish hair! I have a dwarf shaped like a suitcase that I carry ev…”

“You’re first place in my heart. And here’s a second-place ribbon from my third …”

“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him …”

“She asked if I found what she was telling me very exciting, and I managed to ye…”