The best way to dig yourself out of a hole, is with a dead guy’s fingernails. Then, once you’re out of the hole, finish burying that dead guy before the cops arrive.

“A blanket could be used to conceal. That’s why I recommend the current cast of …”

“A great gift would be a cheap pen, mounted on a wooden plaque, with the accompa…”

“In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The ot…”

“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married.…”