The best way to guarantee you have a job tomorrow is to not finish all the work your boss asked of you today. Wait, that’s not right. Sorry, I’m thinking like a government employee again.

“How not to get rejected: ask a fat chick out to dinner. Do you think obesity ev…”

“They should make bubblegum that tastes like mashed potatoes. You know, for love…”

“Call me Clyde. Call me Dale. Call me a Clydesdale.”

“I wish I could bottle up my penis and sell it at a garage sale. But first I nee…”