The great news is I drive like a woman. The bad news is that it’s only when I’m wearing a dress.

“I am my own tornado. Instead of panicking, I run in circles and scream.”

“Growing up, my bedroom was like a garage, only much smaller and with more lawnm…”

“The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating comm…”

“I am a contraction. I am I’m.”