The longest I have ever gone without sex is sixteen years. But to my credit, elementary and middle school were rough dating years.

“If I were as tall as the day is night, I’d be a midget.”

“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Cl…”

“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever…”

“I want to go to Martha’s Vineyard. I have an aunt named Martha. And an uncle by…”