The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.

“If I told you I don’t tell lies, that itself would be a lie.”

“I’ve spent half my life searching for the truth. The left half of my life.”

“I’d prefer going on a date with 10 women at once. Not only might I get a bulk d…”

“A brick could be utilized to teach the danger of procrastination. Ignoring the …”