The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.

“Her boyfriend can’t hold a candle to me. Especially not while I’m holding the s…”

“I like to see cats tumble around, but I wish they wouldn’t meow so much when I …”

“I am a juxtaposition. And at the same time, I’m not. I’m always like this becau…”

“When I tap my car’s brakes, my horn beeps. Don’t make me flick on my windshield…”