The way the crotch of my jeans are constructed makes it look like I have an erection when I don’t. That’s why I wear Spandex—so the whole world can see exactly when I’m stiff.

“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe…”

“The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you,…”

“Some of the vitamins I take are the size of jumbo jets, though they only pack a…”

“The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift o…”