To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch.

“The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world. I don’t want to release…”

“Do not oppose my opposable thumbs. If you do, we’ll have a thumb war.”

“Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s…”

“I asked the girl at the coffee shop out on a date. Unfortunately she said no, p…”