To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door, or I could pull my straw out of the water and stop setting a bad example.

“I’m so smart that I make everyone around me smarter. I do this by being dumber …”

“I’m into older women, because all women are older women. Every second the woman…”

“Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature wh…”

“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as sure…”