To let her imagine how great a lover I’d be, I ate soup with chopsticks. She went home with another man, but I’ll bet she fantasized about me.

“Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.”

“I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and be…”

“Did you know you can drink food? It’s true! It’s called soup, and I eat it with…”

“Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and h…”