Two years ago I bought my brother’s slightly used iMac for five hundred bucks. Five hundred bucks! That’s the price of a mansion—in 1914. On the other hand, five hundred bucks may buy a loaf of bread in a few years. Old moldy bread—so I guess it was a good deal.

“My expectations are sky low, because I’m standing on a mountaintop.”

“I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that li…”

“A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really …”

“My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black you’d think I was an al…”