When I hear a politician has died in a car accident, I think, “How tragic! Even if the car suffered only a small dent, it makes me want to cry out to God in despair.

“I watch silent movies on mute. But only for the dialogue.”

“I’m like Twain, Nietzsche, and Dali in that I have three mustaches. (I have two…”

“She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my …”

“I am illiterate. Just not in English.”