Whenever I drink, I always have one too many. Of course, I only ever drink one.

“I got stood up. I wasn’t mad, because at the time I was in a wheelchair.”

“I wish all the lobbyists on K Street would drown in alphabet soup.”

“Please, allow me a moment to put my penis back where it belongs. I should never…”

“I can’t believe you think that I can’t believe you don’t think that.”