While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to the mountains, and start over.

“You know what show I thought was a riot? Live coverage of Egyptians overthrowin…”

“I worked with a sketch artist, but I was driving fast when I saw the suspect, s…”

“I can’t get car parts at Lowes, the home improvement store? If I lived in my ca…”

“I've decided to donate my arsenal of machine guns to a hunting charity. That sh…”