Why do old people drive slow? They have the least amount of time left on earth, so you’d think they’d drive the fastest, to make the best use of what little time they have.

“I used to live with someone of the opposite sex. It’s called a sister, and I do…”

“On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.”

“I made 100 dollars, or a Ben Franklin, today. And out of that I probably spent …”

“It’s a real pleasure accepting an award—for someone else. Especially if they ar…”